OH! The joy of crashing a fashion after-party! Nothing could ever beat it, nothing!
Fidgeting restlessly on your phone to look busy, striking up random conversations to pretend you know people, avoiding small talk like the Black Death. These are just a few of the little things that come with the sense of entitlement, that self-esteem mad rush one gets when crashing a Fashion Week after-party: When there, one would be bound to think, “If I made it here, I can make it anywhere”, a feeling that is destined to wither disgracefully when you come to the conclusion that everyone else made it here, and everyone else is also probably really good at making it anywhere, only difference they had an actual invitation with their name on it, whereas you didn’t.
But dwelling on such frivolities is not the healthy look you should really be putting forward at this fabulous party you just crashed, you should be yourself and have a great time. Except, really, you should religiously follow all of our instructions with adherence to every punctilious detail our expertise will be suggesting.
Number One: Find the place
“We’re here already, come! It’s the small black door at the back of the alley behind the fake-sex-shop-burrito-bar. Downstairs. Ok, so you get to the basement, yes? The black door yes? No, the street has no name. You get to the square, turn right then left, then it’s the small black door at the back of the alley behind the fake-sex-shop-burrito-bar. We’re here already, hurry up! You’re name’s on the list. No, not your real name. Phillippa Starck. Yeah, I know you’re a guy. Ok hurry up!”
Number Two: One does not JUST walk in
So, you’ve beaten the crowd/resorted to some obscure subterfuge and got an invitation-cum-stamp on your wrist/got to the place, the worst is behind you. So now your focus is HOW you are correctly getting in, and everyone knows there are two ways of going about this first obstacle, you can either snuck in like a poisoned rat that is drowning in its own intestines and keep a hell of a low profile or you can Lucille Ball your way in with fireworks and feathers and unicorns. Between these two options, we obviously suggest the latter.
Number Three: The Bar
Do not freeze. What you are looking at is a relatively small bar where really attractive people will give you alcoholic beverages without asking for your money.
You might have heard of this mythological thingamajig in books and fairy tales, but these wonderful, magical bars really exist, and this time round they’re yours to raid. You could maybe wait a little before going and order, say, a beer. Or you could run straight into it and order whatever they have as long as it is double (it’s a fashion after-party, the drinks menu will be probably designed with this specific event in mind, so do not look puzzled when a Tequila Sunrise is arbitrarily called a Donatella). In any way, feel free to courteously (no one likes a bitch) help yourself to the gratuitous libations, as no one is paying any attention to you.
Number Four: LOOK! Paparazzi!
And they’re not paying any attention to you.
Number Five: DARLING!
You thought you left this dreadful person behind you, but no, you have not in the very least; there she is clad in some conceptual coat and ironic earrings, looking altogether drab an miserable as she did when you deleted her from Facebook years ago, when deleting people from Facebook actually meant something. You could never stand the bitch, but all of a sudden you hear painful pangs of “DARLING!” and “HOW HAVE YOU BEEN!?” coming out from your own, incredulous lips. Yes, darlings, this happened and it will happen again, so just suck it up and put on your best frenemy face, make it brief, make it sweet and find a good reason to quickly move onto other forms of entertainment. She won’t altogether mind your hasty disappearance as she is not paying any attention to you.
Number Six: Models
You know their names, you know their stories, you have seen them wearing statement knitwear in high-gloss editorials and now there they are in all their technicolor glory, waiting helplessly for their drivers while altogether looking very cold. They are young, they are gorgeous and they could not pay any less attention to you.
Number Seven: #Instamoments
“We need to take a selfie with this bowl of fruits”. “We need to take a selfie with that white pillar”. “We need to take a selfie with this cleverly branded towel”. “We need to take a demure selfie with Jourdan Dunn in the background minding her own, absolute business”. “Is that a wall? That calls for a selfie”. ‘We need to take a selfie with everyone in this room who is not paying any attention to us”.
Number Eight: MORE PAPARAZZI!
Watch them rush past you in a clear, if not affectionate display of lack of attention given to you.
Number Nine: It is hot as hell
You seen pictures of afterparties in the past and I am sure you noticed that everyone looks wonderful and everyone’s hair is sculpted to perfection. In real life, however, these places are awfully crowded and the location chosen to host this event (namely, a basement or an attic) is in no way fit to welcome the sheer size of attendees that are twirling through the entrance. To the equation, also add that people will find it appropriate to wear exotic furs and there you go, a hot, grimy fashion furnace where everyone’s face is quick at melting away. That, however, does not have to mean you should worry about the tint of your own visage, as after all we all are on the same boat and no one is paying any real attention to you.
Number Ten: Smoking area manners
No matter how vast and spacious the chosen venue will turn out to be, the smoking area is forever bound to be a small patch of space that is filled to the brim with people releasing large amount of smoke and carbon dioxide while wearing current season House of Holland. If that’s doesn’t sound hellish enough, also always consider that you shall be eavesdropping on probably the worst conversations ever came into being, such as malicious gossips, benevolent gossips, current season gossips, outmoded gossips and ‘any plans for the weekend?‘. You will find soon enough that the only way for you to smoke without exhaling straight on people’s faces is puffing out vertically, so for most of your stay in the smoking area you will be looking like a wolf romantically howling at the moon while engaging in the most sublime of chitty-chatter. Not that anyone would pay any attention to you, anyway.
Number Eleven: ‘I’m so busy right now‘
The question will be popping up. But you shall not fear the question. The question is just a way like any other to ignite the conversation, giving you a grand chance to kickstart this exciting slot of small-talk with your sophisticated approach to lying: ‘So, what is that you do?”. The question is always the same, she never changes. ‘Me? I am a (insert professional-sounding position). It’s going well. So busy right now, the (insert professional-sounding position) business‘. Usually, after this first bout of compulsive lying, you politely give the chance to the other person to repeat the charade. In the end, you will be both talking to yourselves, to each other (if that can make possibly make sense), and you will have bonded over this excruciating ordeal. And always remember, the person that asked you the question in the first place, is really paying fundamentally no attention to you or what you have to say.
Number Twelve: Dance
Essential suggestion: Dance like no one is paying any attention to you, and have a hell of a good time. It’s fashion week and the drinks are on the house and everyone looks fabulous and you made it in.
By Matteo Sarti